I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
