Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
