I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
