she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
