the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
