Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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