party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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