he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
