I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
