too bad you live with your parents still
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
