Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
sarcasm needs its own font
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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