Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
