I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
even my farts smell like vagina
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize