Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
