Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
