just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
