if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
