News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
