Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
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