When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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