just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
