Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Randomize
