Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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