I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
