I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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