My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
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I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
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You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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