I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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