Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
