My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
