omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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