i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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