I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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