I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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