I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
