For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
