I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
