so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Randomize
