you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
