(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
