Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
