I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
