My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
