my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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