i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
