I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
