Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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