i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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