i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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