I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
