I don't usually arrange sex via text message
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Gay?
German.
Pity.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
