my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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