SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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