Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
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