it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
