I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
