My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
time to smoke my breakfast
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
