He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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