he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
