those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
