Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
