So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
